Update 3/13/24 - Some thoughts and prayers

My first thoughts go out to my daughters who have given so much of their lives to make my days better. I never thought I could be prouder of my children, but I was wrong.

My next thought is for Tim. He sent me a private message about the end-of-life experience his wife had, in particular with treatments taking away her quality-of-life. 

That was a thought I had. If there is no measurable longevity difference, the treatments seem like work, only I pay for the obligations to be there two to three times per month. My doctor didn't agree or disagree. She listened and took it into account. 

My first prayer goes out to my daughter's friend, Danica, who lost her mom recently. I don't know what happened, but, from my perspective, it was sudden and tragic. May she find peace in the memories she is left with. 

My second prayer goes out to Chris. He took a tumble at a store recently and injured his shin. I pray that he recognizes that phone calls may be in the works for a while, but I want to stay in touch even if it doesn't include visits for a while.

To those who are praying for me, please stop asking for time and pray for a smooth transition instead. It would be much better for me to choke on food or die from a heart attack than it would be to get two extra weeks while I starve to death. 

I understand that it may not be normal to wish for someone to die quickly, but I hope you understand that I don't want to suffer long enough for the cancer to take me. 

In any case, thank you for caring. 

Update 3/4/24 - Meeting with my oncologist

More of the appointment was spent discussing the future without treatment than was spent discussing treatment. On one hand, the cancer was controlled with treatment. On the other hand, the cancer is progressing. 

The range I was given was one month to six months, but she would not give me anything except history for treatment.

This means a shift in treatment strategy. I am under hospice now. There is a "DNR" order in place. That seemed to be the most difficult part for Candace. Perhaps, it was just in the timing of things, but she was noticeably upset when the DNR order was spoken about.

It is about the quality of my life, from now on. The oncologist and I have a telephone appointment in a month. She wants to make certain the transition went smoothly, and that she is doing what she can to accommodate a smooth transition. 

I weighed in at 144 pounds. My low point was about 140 pounds. 

Candace is providing support more and more. Erin has been really supportive also. 

Thank you for caring!

Update 2/28/24 - Blood draw and body scan completed

I went on Tuesday for my blood draws and body scan. Candace pushed me around in a wheelchair for the first time. 

We went to Fred Hutchinson after the VA. They are doing genetics work, which will benefit my children more than it will benefit me. It was crazy in there!

I have had a rough couple of days. I feel better today, but better than rough is still below par. 

The girls are standing by. Their concern concerns me. 

I am still losing weight. I am at 144 pounds now. 

I meet with my oncologist on Monday. I expect we will be talking about pain management more than recovery.

The picture is circa 2017. Mr. Grumpy died in 2019 at the age of five. 

Thank you for caring! 

Update 2/22/24 - Negative changes feeling normal

I weighed in today at 147 pounds, which is well below the 155 to 160 pounds that I've targeted for my weight. It may not seem like much, but to me it feels normal. 

I told my daughter about it. She asked if I've eaten. After some thought about it, I had to admit to not eating that day. However, I wasn't hungry. It felt normal to me. I will consciously need to eat just for calories. I had some pudding after that.

I will know more medically over the next two weeks. My blood draw and body scan are scheduled for Tuesday, and a meeting with my oncologist to learn the findings is the following Monday. 

I expect she will tell me that the cancer has progressed. She will tell me what to expect with and without treatment. We will likely discuss pain management more than recovery. It seems like an easy choice to control the pain; however, switching to narcotics means the end to driving. 

Anyway, weight was one of the most important things to watch for consistency, and it has slipped noticeably. I'm off to get something to eat. 

Update 2/4/24 - Scaring the crap out of Britny

I fell asleep sitting up watching TV, and, unfortunately for Britny, with my eyes open. Britny saw me as she was walking by, and she went to get Erin "just in case."

Erin had to call me three times before I woke up and responded. I heard Britny gasp a bit before saying, "Thank God." I think how scared she must have been when it all seemed like she had found me dead!

My weight is 154 pounds, so it is holding close to the 155 to 160 that I have been weighing in at.

My next appointment is the injection of my psyche meds on Valentine's Day. 

Thank you for caring!

Update 1/23/24 - Change of treatment brings uneasy calmness

Now that my plans have become clearer after talking to my retiring psychiatrist, I find myself calm, but just a bit uneasy, about changing my attitude about other things. The revelation that I am done spending time and money trying not to die has freed my mind from the agony of talking to my oncologist about where things are at. It doesn't matter where things are at; I accept my fate.

The uneasiness is really more about how to spend my time. I have found that the time spent fretting my decision, plus that seasonal coldness bittered my thoughts for a month or so about going outside to do things, took up a great deal of time and energy. 

I am seeing some sun, and the temperature is around 50 degrees, so I don't feel like going somewhere requires the bundling that it did a week ago. It seems like less of a chore today.

As it stands, I weigh 155 pounds. I still need to eat, so that is fine. My appointment with my oncologist is pushed back to March 4th at my request. 

My next appointment is for another injection on Valentine's Day. I meet with a new mental health doctor in March a few days after meeting with my oncologist. It adds up to a bit of uneasiness, but it is calm and not tumultuous uneasiness!

Thank you for caring!

Update 1/19/24 - Farewell to Retiring Doctor

I will miss my psychiatrist who is retiring at the end of the month. I knew that my final appointment, which was yesterday, would be a triggering event for another update. I do feel like I know better how I feel about things today because of the final appointment.

The good doctor is the person who gets me to dig the deepest into my soul, that has calcified feelings about my thoughts and reconciliations. The only other person who got me to dig this deeply was my communications and English teacher, Gwen Towey. 

When the doctor got down to how I was doing mental health wise, I said something that I have been holding in for a couple of months: I believe I am done spending time and money on trying to not die. I will still update the blog with details as they emerge, but it is going to be more about how I feel, and less about the results of tests, as they become less frequent.

As it is, my weight today is 157.4 pounds, so it is holding steady. I am comfortable, but cold. The weather has made it such that I am spending little time outside. I am either reading, writing, or resting under my comforter. 

I was able to praise Nurse Lisa for being on top of potential problems. I told him that she got me in a day early because the weather was going to turn bad. It's a good thing she did that, he told me. The building flooded the day before, so they were scrambling to find places to do injections. My next appointment is on Valentine's Day, and I will remember what she did by getting me in a day early!

Update 12/30/23 - How I am doing . . .

. . . I was asked twice how I was doing after my last update, so I thought I would focus this post on how I am doing.

My weight seems to be holding steady at 155 pounds, or so. I have a decent appetite, even though I don't crave food that is necessarily good for me. I am trying to eat when the opportunities present themselves and I am feeling a bit hungry. 

My mental health is not so steady. I find myself fluctuating between relax and breathe and what more can I do to make things work more smoothly. Both are natural to me, but I am finding that the times and places for these are shifting a bit.

The biggest news on the mental health front was the revelation that my psychiatrist is retiring at the end of January. He and I go way back, and it will soon be ending with someone new taking his place. I am happy for my doctor, but I am a bit nervously apprehensive about changing the known for the unknown.

Physically, I am feeling some neuropathy in my fingers and toes. I am grateful for the break from chemotherapy. I imagine how differently things would be if I were hyper-sensitive to cold during this time of year. 

I seem to be more sensitive when it comes to noises and feelings coming from my gut area. I wonder if the cancer is taking advantage of the break, or if my body is still doing its job and stalling the growth. Ultimately, I know the answer, but it is in the short gains that I find solace these days.

Thank you for caring, and thanks to some of you for asking!

Update 12/15/23 - My prescriptions have doubled!

When I look back on my health, I have been blessed in that my body has regulated itself without the assistance of prescription medications that others in my family have not been able to avoid. 

Until this past week, and aside from the chemo prescriptions, I have been prescribed 10 mg of Atorvastatin to combat my slightly high cholesterol readings. Now, I am also prescribed Zarelto to combat the possible side effect of blood clotting due to a narrowing of a vein in my stomach area.

That's it. I also was on Metformin when they thought my pancreatic cancer was diabetes, but it wasn't. (I also get a shot every 30 days to deal with my psychiatric issues.)

I truly have been blessed with good health throughout my life, as proven by the few prescriptions I have for a person who is 65 and has cancer. 

It will be interesting to see if the good attitude holds up as the news gets worse, which it inevitably will with time.

Update 11/26/23 - Playing with new rules

One of the hardest adjustments is that there are new rules to live by. Everything must slow down by necessity.

Erin and Britny have needs for sleep and privacy that weren't obstacles at my previous place. Things are backed off to what they were before my stay at Casa de Cuckoo. 

I meet with my psychiatrist on Tuesday. That is the next step in the healing process that is needed in order to get back to the business of dying.