Update 1/23/24 - Change of treatment brings uneasy calmness

Now that my plans have become clearer after talking to my retiring psychiatrist, I find myself calm, but just a bit uneasy, about changing my attitude about other things. The revelation that I am done spending time and money trying not to die has freed my mind from the agony of talking to my oncologist about where things are at. It doesn't matter where things are at; I accept my fate.

The uneasiness is really more about how to spend my time. I have found that the time spent fretting my decision, plus that seasonal coldness bittered my thoughts for a month or so about going outside to do things, took up a great deal of time and energy. 

I am seeing some sun, and the temperature is around 50 degrees, so I don't feel like going somewhere requires the bundling that it did a week ago. It seems like less of a chore today.

As it stands, I weigh 155 pounds. I still need to eat, so that is fine. My appointment with my oncologist is pushed back to March 4th at my request. 

My next appointment is for another injection on Valentine's Day. I meet with a new mental health doctor in March a few days after meeting with my oncologist. It adds up to a bit of uneasiness, but it is calm and not tumultuous uneasiness!

Thank you for caring!

Update 1/19/24 - Farewell to Retiring Doctor

I will miss my psychiatrist who is retiring at the end of the month. I knew that my final appointment, which was yesterday, would be a triggering event for another update. I do feel like I know better how I feel about things today because of the final appointment.

The good doctor is the person who gets me to dig the deepest into my soul, that has calcified feelings about my thoughts and reconciliations. The only other person who got me to dig this deeply was my communications and English teacher, Gwen Towey. 

When the doctor got down to how I was doing mental health wise, I said something that I have been holding in for a couple of months: I believe I am done spending time and money on trying to not die. I will still update the blog with details as they emerge, but it is going to be more about how I feel, and less about the results of tests, as they become less frequent.

As it is, my weight today is 157.4 pounds, so it is holding steady. I am comfortable, but cold. The weather has made it such that I am spending little time outside. I am either reading, writing, or resting under my comforter. 

I was able to praise Nurse Lisa for being on top of potential problems. I told him that she got me in a day early because the weather was going to turn bad. It's a good thing she did that, he told me. The building flooded the day before, so they were scrambling to find places to do injections. My next appointment is on Valentine's Day, and I will remember what she did by getting me in a day early!