Update 3/13/24 - Some thoughts and prayers

My first thoughts go out to my daughters who have given so much of their lives to make my days better. I never thought I could be prouder of my children, but I was wrong.

My next thought is for Tim. He sent me a private message about the end-of-life experience his wife had, in particular with treatments taking away her quality-of-life. 

That was a thought I had. If there is no measurable longevity difference, the treatments seem like work, only I pay for the obligations to be there two to three times per month. My doctor didn't agree or disagree. She listened and took it into account. 

My first prayer goes out to my daughter's friend, Danica, who lost her mom recently. I don't know what happened, but, from my perspective, it was sudden and tragic. May she find peace in the memories she is left with. 

My second prayer goes out to Chris. He took a tumble at a store recently and injured his shin. I pray that he recognizes that phone calls may be in the works for a while, but I want to stay in touch even if it doesn't include visits for a while.

To those who are praying for me, please stop asking for time and pray for a smooth transition instead. It would be much better for me to choke on food or die from a heart attack than it would be to get two extra weeks while I starve to death. 

I understand that it may not be normal to wish for someone to die quickly, but I hope you understand that I don't want to suffer long enough for the cancer to take me. 

In any case, thank you for caring. 

Update 3/4/24 - Meeting with my oncologist

More of the appointment was spent discussing the future without treatment than was spent discussing treatment. On one hand, the cancer was controlled with treatment. On the other hand, the cancer is progressing. 

The range I was given was one month to six months, but she would not give me anything except history for treatment.

This means a shift in treatment strategy. I am under hospice now. There is a "DNR" order in place. That seemed to be the most difficult part for Candace. Perhaps, it was just in the timing of things, but she was noticeably upset when the DNR order was spoken about.

It is about the quality of my life, from now on. The oncologist and I have a telephone appointment in a month. She wants to make certain the transition went smoothly, and that she is doing what she can to accommodate a smooth transition. 

I weighed in at 144 pounds. My low point was about 140 pounds. 

Candace is providing support more and more. Erin has been really supportive also. 

Thank you for caring!

Update 2/28/24 - Blood draw and body scan completed

I went on Tuesday for my blood draws and body scan. Candace pushed me around in a wheelchair for the first time. 

We went to Fred Hutchinson after the VA. They are doing genetics work, which will benefit my children more than it will benefit me. It was crazy in there!

I have had a rough couple of days. I feel better today, but better than rough is still below par. 

The girls are standing by. Their concern concerns me. 

I am still losing weight. I am at 144 pounds now. 

I meet with my oncologist on Monday. I expect we will be talking about pain management more than recovery.

The picture is circa 2017. Mr. Grumpy died in 2019 at the age of five. 

Thank you for caring! 

Update 2/22/24 - Negative changes feeling normal

I weighed in today at 147 pounds, which is well below the 155 to 160 pounds that I've targeted for my weight. It may not seem like much, but to me it feels normal. 

I told my daughter about it. She asked if I've eaten. After some thought about it, I had to admit to not eating that day. However, I wasn't hungry. It felt normal to me. I will consciously need to eat just for calories. I had some pudding after that.

I will know more medically over the next two weeks. My blood draw and body scan are scheduled for Tuesday, and a meeting with my oncologist to learn the findings is the following Monday. 

I expect she will tell me that the cancer has progressed. She will tell me what to expect with and without treatment. We will likely discuss pain management more than recovery. It seems like an easy choice to control the pain; however, switching to narcotics means the end to driving. 

Anyway, weight was one of the most important things to watch for consistency, and it has slipped noticeably. I'm off to get something to eat. 

Update 2/4/24 - Scaring the crap out of Britny

I fell asleep sitting up watching TV, and, unfortunately for Britny, with my eyes open. Britny saw me as she was walking by, and she went to get Erin "just in case."

Erin had to call me three times before I woke up and responded. I heard Britny gasp a bit before saying, "Thank God." I think how scared she must have been when it all seemed like she had found me dead!

My weight is 154 pounds, so it is holding close to the 155 to 160 that I have been weighing in at.

My next appointment is the injection of my psyche meds on Valentine's Day. 

Thank you for caring!